Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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