I got chris browned last night
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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