Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We are two peas in an std pod
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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