If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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