I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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