you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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