my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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