I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
