I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
