This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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