I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
