More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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