Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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