Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
