I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
