he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize