I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
