Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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