So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
