Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I will be naked everywhere
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
