I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
