He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
