The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
