Tell her she can't have a vagina
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
