Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My cat gives me a boner
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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