You can't motorboat a personality
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
