I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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