we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
