South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
