took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
