I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
