i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
