I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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