I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
