i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
