I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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