it was like eating out sand paper
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
