Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize