Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Buhtt sex?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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