normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
