My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just cropdusted the office
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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