Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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