You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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