the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
