She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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