OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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