DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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