True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
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They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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