Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
