I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
