there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Are we still banned from the library?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
