I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
