I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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