Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
