went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
