I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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