if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
